I just found out that even before November last year, D already thought of breaking up with me. He was already dissatisfied with our relationship around two-ish years ago; I suppose there were needs of his that our relationship (and I) could not answer. Or maybe his priorities and needs had shifted already.
So why didn’t he? At that time he felt that if he broke up with me, he had no place to go. He still wasn’t earning enough to afford a place of his own. His mom and sisters live in the metro, and he also has relatives in Taguig; technically, he could have moved in with any of them. But it would have been a big hassle not only for him but also for his relatives.
(Let’s also assume that at that time he still had enough feelings for me, making it harder for him to leave. Because otherwise, if he were really unhappy, he would have been compelled to do something.)
By the time he broke up with me during the ides of March, he was in a much better place financially. And his mom and sisters had moved to a bigger apartment, with an extra room for him. Conditions were right for him to break up with me.
Was it unfair to hold on for several months given the discontent? Because a relationship involves two parties, let’s tackle that question in two parts.
Was it unfair for him? Well, it was his choice; he decided to grin and bear it. And for most parts, I did not sense anything out of the ordinary from him, so he was able to hide his discontent well. In that sense, kinaya niya. So whether it was unfair or not, I suppose it didn’t matter that much for him, because he stayed on.
Was it unfair for me? Did I deserve to at least be told? Do I deserve someone who is not discontented with me? Personally, I don’t mind having a partner who harbours some discontent, so long as he can live with his decision to stay with me.
The truth is, everyone can have some level of discontent or dissatisfaction with everyone else. Let’s get real here. The saying “No one’s perfect, but you’re perfect for me” is a huge fallacy. Walang perfect, walang forever. So staying with a partner means learning how to live with a certain level of discontentment and unfulfilled needs. The question one should ask oneself is: Can I accept him, warts and all of that? One must be able to determine the level of acceptable discontent and disharmony. Because if they go beyond that—we call them “deal breakers”—then the deal is off, so to speak.
Which is why, upon hearing that D had been thinking of breaking up with me earlier, I wasn’t really fazed or bothered that much. I was more curious as to why he didn’t say anything earlier.
(And to some extent, I feel bad for D that he had to endure months of discontent with me, when he could have extracted himself from that situation.)
Do I feel bad that he stayed for practical reasons? No. We all have different motives in life. And when we choose a particular path to take, often there’s more than one motivation at play there. We do this, we choose that, for several reasons; and it’s possible that there is no clear ranking of motivations. What’s the more important motive? What’s the least important? Most people act without much deliberation, which requires self-awareness and self-assessment.
At no time in our relationship did I feel that he was just using me. So no, I do not feel bad. In fact, it’s more likely that he had other reasons alongside practical ones for staying with me. And those are enough for me.
2 comments:
Dear McVie,
I am quite torn on what to comment. On one hand there is a saying to never beat a horse that is already dead, but on the other hand, I feel a certain injustice done to you that needs to be said. And it's kinda sad to be treated that way in the August of your life. (wow..Ides or March, Winter of discontent, now August of your life).
Of course we only get to hear your side of the story, I am sure he has a version of it too. Nevertheless, having personally met you - - siempre, kampi ako sa yo..hehe. Not that you are now taking sides.
Here are some questions that paraphrased your story above. The answers are no-brainer. You and your over-rationalization might be preventing you to see that you really got the shorter end of the stick.
> He basically stayed with you the past two years because it was convenient for him? (ie. he had no place to go). Does that mean he was pretending to be in love with you the past 2 years while you were still in love with him all that time? Di ba there is something "not nice" (for lack of a better term) about that? Lokohan in short.
> Can pretending to be in love (when one is not) actually lead to resentment? I will not be surprised if he was resentful all those years that he was stuck with you / your relationship. There is actually a thin line between not being in love with a person and being resentful for staying with that person. Do you really want to be with a person na "asar or inis na situation being with you just because he can afford a place of his own?"
> And when you became jobless and can not afford the place anymore (as mentioned in your past entries), and then his relatives got a bigger place, he conveniently decided to break-up with you? Naman. Maliwanag pa sa silat ng araw. Use me in a sentence eto.
And finally, from whom or where did you hear the he was actually thinking of breaking with you much earlier? Was it directly from him? or worse from his friends? In any case, the source could only come from him di ba? E kanino pa? Hehe. I think that was just simply not very kind of him. And I am putting it mildly.
To break up with someone is hard enough, but to ACTUALLY say na atat na ko to break up since 24 months ago pa is just cruel. He could have kept it to himself.
You'll be alright Joel. Just like past heartaches, I am sure that you've landed on your feet. Bruised maybe. Limping probably. But still fabulous.
Happy Easter.
@Francis Francis:
Just to answer a couple of your questions and clarify one thing further:
[1] Does that mean he was pretending to be in love with you the past 2 years while you were still in love with him all that time? Di ba there is something "not nice" (for lack of a better term) about that? Lokohan in short.
As I said, I never felt that he was just using me, na he was “just pretending to be in love”. Yes, it could be that I am THAT dense, but knowing me, I’m not. Never did I feel na may lokohang nangyayari.
[2] Can pretending to be in love (when one is not) actually lead to resentment?
To answer your question, yes it can. However, I also didn’t feel any resentment from him. Again, I may be dense, or he’s just a superb actor, or I got lucky and found a job before his feelings reached resentment-levels. From my point of view, and from what my source tells me, it’s really more of dissatisfaction and a sense of wanting something else/more on his part. Though they rhyme, there’s a big difference between discontent and resent.
In other words, he and I changed—our needs and wants changed, our priorities changed. And I was not enough already.
[3] To break up with someone is hard enough, but to ACTUALLY say na atat na ko to break up since 24 months ago pa is just cruel. He could have kept it to himself.
D actually did keep it to himself; it’s my source who didn’t. And let me clarify: D wasn’t “atat to break up since 24 months ago”. According to my source, D mentioned about “thinking of breaking up” with me as early as two-ish years ago. But my source felt that D didn’t sound like he would actually go through with it at that time.
Yes, I am alright. I am not bruised, nor am I limping.
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