Gay Loneliness

There’s an article by Michael Hobbes entitled, Together Alone: The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness, that’s being shared on Facebook. The click-worthy blurb for the article asks the question: “Why didn’t gay rights cure gay loneliness?”

In his article, Hobbes posits that the members of the gay community are subjected to “minority stress” even (or, in certain cases, especially) after coming out. The stress comes from learning how to engage with other people, hetero and homo alike, as a member of a minority. And this stress leads to feelings of loneliness. If that’s the case, then learning how to cope with stress—regardless of whichever causes it—is the way to cure this loneliness.

But stepping back further, I believe that the answer to the article’s title question, “Why didn’t gay rights cure gay loneliness,” is this: Loneliness (in general, not just for gays) is a result of a lack of loving and accepting oneself; if you love yourself, you can be alone but not lonely. Having rights (gay or otherwise) will not necessarily fill that void. The government giving you rights is an example of someone or something from outside telling you your worth; loving yourself is knowing your worth from inside.

A kid growing up knowing that being gay means having the same rights as any other kid will most likely have better self-esteem than a kid who thinks he’ll be ostracized by society. But the road towards a life with self-dignity has several possible pathways, not just “one right way.” (After all, my generation and the ones before me grew up without “gay rights,” and some of us turned out fine.)

We only need to hark back to George Benson’s original hit song, “The Greatest Love of All,” for that important insight people need to live by: “Learning to love yourself / It is the greatest love of all.”

We need to learn the greatest love of all, folks.

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P.S. – Did you know that Lea Salonga recorded a cover version of that song in 1981, four years before Whitney Houston’s more popular 1985 cover? Lea was only about 9 or 10 years old at that time.

P.P.S. – I do acknowledge a certain kind of loneliness arising from our being social creatures: our need to connect with others. This is often a temporary feeling, and not a deep, depressing kind of loneliness. Minsan ayaw lang natin mag-isa at gustong may kasama. Keri lang yung.